


The Truth About Forever

by psychethelliec



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 22:04:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10728174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychethelliec/pseuds/psychethelliec
Summary: He forgets his yesterdays, but his heart can never forget how his yesterdays make him feel. And his everyday is still spent making sure that he loves Chinen more than yesterday.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I clearly don't own anything. This fic is actually inspired from the song The Man Who Can't Be Moved and the movie 50 First Dates. It was my friend who thought of this awesome crossover (is that how this is called :P) So I really thank her for giving me the chance to write this and for trusting me :3 <3

Life has never been as perfect as waking up the next morning finding the person you promise at night that you will love much greater tomorrow is still next to you. And as you watch him sleeping soundly and memorize the beautiful and angelic face that you have actually already memorized, he creates cute muffled noises that seem to be the portal back to where everything has started and to those memories you are so willing to spend your lifetime cherishing all of them. And without you knowing it, there is already a wide smile plastered on your face while you whisper your love to him and how thankful you are to the love you have for each other. Love…it’s indeed like a vagabond looking for treasures in the middle of the night and finding a bag of golden coins and slowly realizing that those golden coins are rather filled with chocolate, and even though he is heartbroken and disappointed about it, he still feels the same happiness and can’t even complain because he knows he is hungry at the first place. 

“Wake up now, sleepy-head milady. We sure have a long day today,” he whispers as he pulls the person he loves even closer in his arms, cradling him with his love and protection.   
“Five more minutes, Ryo…please,” he begs sleepily and snuggles closer as well, loving the warmth spreading in both their bodies despite the cold morning.   
“Well, I am afraid to tell you that those five minutes is as if asking me for an eternal sleep, so get up now.” He kisses him on his forehead, down to his nose, and then to his soft lips. “Please, Yuri? Just for today, just for me, and just for us. Wake up to save our relationship.”  
The latter part makes Chinen smile, and he hits him on his chest for it because it is always the joke he always tells him in the mornings he is not being spoiled by getting more sleep and the joke never really gets old for him.   
He opens his eyes and looks at him lovingly. This is one of the rarest times Yamada has begged him for something, so he obeyed. He says with a pout, “Good morning to my prince who didn’t spoil me this morning,” and then tastes his lips—his powerhouse, “but I still love him no less.”  
“I am deeply sorry, milady, but I swear to spoil you rotten after this day to compensate my rudeness.” He smiles at him as he gazes on his eyes, their soft breathings are the ones can only be heard. Looking at Chinen will never be a bore. Even though he sees him everyday, even though he stares at him everyday, even though it is the same face everyday, he doesn’t care. Even if it will take a lifetime because his Yuri is really captivating and really beautiful, and because he is really willing to look at the same face for a lifetime and will never get tired of it. A lifetime together is what they are both working on out every each day. He wants to love him in every second of every day. “I love you more today,” he whispers in the silence the proof that he didn’t break his promise last night before they dozed off, “And more tomorrow.”   
Chinen smiles sweetly as his cheeks are now tinted with bright red. “And I love you more today too until forever.”

It has been three years since Yamada accepted the unexpected love that came on his way—the bag of golden coins he later on found out was just filled with chocolate. He was really straight at the beginning and Chinen is swinging both ways since then, and never once it crossed his mind that upon Chinen’s arrival in his life it would change despite the fact that Chinen already likes him ever since. It honestly didn’t scare off Yamada, ergo their friendship continued. It was just that one night when Chinen wanted to break their friendship because it seemed like there was no way he would look at him the way he always did and he was already hurting so much, that was the time Yamada finally named his feelings for him. Those tears that Chinen shed really hit his head hard that he finally saw that the person he really wanted to build his infinity with was already in front of him for so long. He loved him. And he loves him even more now—more and more and more each day. 

“Where are we actually heading to, my handsome butler? It’s nearly moonset.” Chinen asks as he reaches for Yamada’s left hand and locks it with his. Yamada’s driving him somewhere he doesn’t really know, and he is sure that they have been on the road for almost half the day, stopping over at restaurants or stores to fill in their demanding stomachs. “And you’re a handsome butler today because the supposed-to-be prince didn’t spoil the milady this morning.”  
“I am sorry to inform you that I don’t also have any idea, milady.” He smiles at him very handsomely and seeing Chinen smiles back at him with a sweet one, he feels his heart skips a beat, the feeling he believes he has to deal with as they create their biggest forever. Every each day, he feels like it is still the day he realized his feelings for Chinen, the day he was finally conscious he was in love. Every each day, his heart aches with overflowing love and happiness. Every each day, he is falling in love like the first time. “Didn’t I tell you I will compensate my rudeness this morning, milady?”  
He giggles. “Nevertheless, I like this so much. A drive date. I haven’t been with my handsome butler, so I really missed him so much.”  
Yamada pauses because deep within him, his subconscious is already doing multiple back flips. But then he frowns at the day’s oddity, “What is really with you today, huh?”  
“Why?”  
“You are more vocal and sweeter.” He pulls Chinen’s head closer to his face and kisses him on his head few times, still focused on the road. “Anything’s up?”  
“Not really. Just feel like I need to be more expressive since you are my lover.” He leans his jaw on his shoulders, looks up at him lovingly, and their hands now intertwined again. “There is this saying going around that you have to express your love to the ones you love because there might be no next time for you to do it again.”  
Yamada glances at him, trying so hard not to stare at him for so long. “But this isn’t as if the last time, right? Remember our forever.”  
He protrudes his lower lip as he shrugs, “It’s better early than late.” He giggles. “I love you, Ryosuke. I really do— so much. No matter what happens, please remember that I love you the most.”  
He smiles as he looks at his side mirror to hide his flushed face. His heart is swelling because of Chinen’s expressiveness. “I thought I can do this a little later, but there is no helping it,” he mumbles but really intended Chinen to hear it.  
“What did you say?”  
“I said there’s something that fell in your place. Can you check for it under?”  
Chinen pulls away with a frown on his face and then bends over to look for something he doesn’t even really know. “Ah! I think I got it. Is it in a plastic?”  
“I guess so. Not sure.”  
“How come you are unsure?” he whispers before he sits back when he reached it. He shows it to Yamada. “Is it this one?” He then tilts his head, “A fortune cookie?”  
He nods as he runs his index finger on his bottom lip, easing the hard beating of his heart that it already hurts his chest more. And then he pulls the car over. “Can you please crack the fortune cookie for me? I wonder what your luck is today.”  
Chinen obeys as he was told and then his eyes widened, tears starting to fill them so suddenly.   
Inside the fortune cookie is a paper with something printed on it: ‘Will you spend a lifetime with me?’ And there is also another thing inside.  
“I…I don’t want to jump into conclusions, but what is this ring honestly for? Why do you have it? Why is it in your car? What is this paper all about? It’s not yet our anniversary. Are you somehow—“  
“Yuri,” he cuts him off by calling his name very sincerely. He laughs sheepishly upon seeing Chinen’s mixed expressions all visible on his tiny cute face, but the truth behind that laugh is to weaken how hard his heart is beating against his chest right now, as if it will break his ribs in no time. His hands are feeling so cold they are numb already. He is even surprised he can still laugh despite all the emotions he is feeling.  
“R—ryosuke…”  
“Milady,” he calls him again and locks his eyes to him. He reaches both his hands and feels how cold they are. “I know there is uncertainty in forever because we both know if it exists at all. But, milady, now I am asking you with so much sincerity and respect to give me the honour to grow old with you and to prove ourselves the forever we deserve.”  
“Ryosuke…”  
“This might not be the most romantic place and that one a while ago was not the most romantic words a man could say, but I am honestly serious about you, about us, about this, and about our forever.”  
The tears in Chinen’s eyes finally cascade down as he hits Yamada on his arms over and over again as if the proposal Yamada has been thinking a lot recently is a wrong choice. Chinen was just so damn cute that he couldn’t wait to propose.   
He hits him again. “I am going to say yes later, but for now, why are you doing this to me, huh?” And then he hits him again. “I never thought it would be this sudden. I never felt this coming at all since you didn’t really act suspicious around me. Why would you—“ he stops when Yamada cradles him in his arms and then sniffs his hair’s scent. He feels the utter calmness in his arms—his refuge. “Ryo…”  
“I love you, Yuri, that’s why I’m doing this. Did that answer all your questions?”  
Silence takes over for a while as Chinen’s muffled sobs can only be heard as well as how their hearts beat crazily both at the same time. It hurts Yamada to see him cry, but he just let him as he knows it’s appropriate.  
“But same-sex marriage is not yet approved here…”  
He pulls apart a little, his arms still holding Chinen’s frame. His little one’s uncertainty is somehow breaking him but he won’t let that to completely overtake him. He will be the only person to take away that uncertainty of Chinen. “I don’t think we’d need that. I know this one priest back in the city and he has actually approved to it. It wouldn’t be the same as the ones in some countries in terms of its legality, but I guess that’s more than enough, right?” Chinen just looks at him, but a smile is plastered on his face. “We are actually now heading back to the city. I am going to send you to a boutique hotel and I am going to meet you at the church like how the groom waits for the bride of his life first thing tomorrow. What do you think?”  
“It’s—“ he sighs, “Ryosuke…it’s really perfect. The legality...” he takes in another deep breath, “doesn’t matter as long as we are together. This is really perfect. And will be more perfect if we are going to sleep together to welcome our tomorrow,” he teases as he plays with the buttons on Yamada’s linen shirt.  
He clears his throat. Chinen is doing a great job in seducing him—he always does but he never puts any effort on it, as a matter of fact. “But it would be best to surprise me of how you will look tomorrow.”  
”Yeah?”   
Yamada nods. “Besides I want today to be just a really light one.”  
Chinen pouts at the rejection. “Will your parents be there too?”   
He nods again, “And yours too. Just them.”  
“It’s surprising how you got my parents into this play of yours.”  
“I am Yamada Ryosuke after all. And hey, don’t call it a play. I am serious.”   
“Then you are seriously playing.” He giggles as he sticks his tongue out at him.   
He ruffles him on his hair. “I wonder when will I have my ‘Yes, I do.’?”  
Chinen giggles again and jumps on him, hugging him really tight. “Yes, my butler! I will marry you and will give you the honour to grow old together and witness our forever! I love you, Ryosuke! You gave me the best fortune cookie ever!”  
“And you sure do know how much I love you too.”  
Yamada moves closer and closes their gaps as they taste the sweetness of each other’s mouth above them is ablaze with fiery colours, the sun already dipping behind the horizon—the perfect scenery to share a perfect kiss toward a perfect life.   
Pulling apart, he kicks the gas to start his engine again and then he drives back to the city, a mellow music playing at their background, and their hands intertwined all throughout the way. 

When they arrived at the city, their car is stuck in the traffic and both of them can’t really wait anymore for tomorrow to come. The loud honks from different cars are nonstop and very annoying to their ears. Yamada’s tapping his fingers on the stirring wheel as he can’t understand if the butterflies in his stomach and his palpitation are caused by his excitement or of other things. The external noises are suddenly gone as he can now only hear how hard his heart beats in his ears.  
After less than half an hour, the traffic eases so their car is able to move already. A big smile is on both their faces.   
Chinen can’t even take his eyes off of his lover as Yamada drives. “You’re so handsome, Ryosuke. I really like staring at you and falling in love over and over again.”  
“I do feel the same, Yuri. I can spend a lifetime just staring at you and loving you.” He glances at him quickly but lovingly enough. “Your sweetness makes me feel really weird, but I love how weird it is.”  
“Just take whatever I say or else you will regret for never hearing them!” He sticks his tongue out and Yamada chuckles. “I love you, Ryosuke.”  
Yamada takes his eyes off the road since the traffic is gone and he can’t resist his lover’s cuteness anymore and so he looks at his world next to him very lovingly, his eyes saying nothing but his genuine love for him, obviously being sucked in by Chinen’s gaze and forgetting where he should put his eyes on first. “I love you too and—“  
“Ryosuke!”  
When Chinen shouts, Yamada suddenly turns the car, the wheels screeching, and when he is welcomed with the bright lights and the loud honks, he shuts his eyes really hard as his hand tightens its hold on Chinen’s hand, thinking that there is no way he is going to let go of him and nothing—nothing—can tear them apart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He forgets his yesterdays, but his heart can never forget how his yesterdays make him feel. And his everyday is still spent making sure that he loves Chinen more than yesterday.

Yamada opens his eyes but shuts them close again when the seeping brightness from his window got in his eyes. He smiles with his eyes still closed and turns on his side to embrace the love of his life next to him. “Good morning, sleepy-head milady. Today is—“ He stops and then opens his eyes when he realizes there is no one but a pillow next to him. He suddenly remembers that they have to meet at the church today and forced his lover yesterday not to be together for a night. But he weirdly feels empty. Perhaps because of Chinen’s absence when every day he knows how perfect his life is waking up next to the one he loves so much. He is not a morning person, but he loves mornings with Chinen so much. A morning, or a day, without Chinen is really different.  
He sits up and his vision catches a note above his side drawer with unfamiliar handwritings, but still a bit similar to Chinen’s handwriting when lazy and sleepy. He reaches for it and it says: ‘So excited to see you waiting up for me at the altar. I love you. PS: I sneaked in to your room last night when you were asleep just for this note. I love you again today, tomorrow, and forever. —Yuri.’  
He smiles like an idiot as he stands, and then feels his face heating up, shoving the note at the inside pocket of the suit he is going to wear today. His smile becomes a wide grin when he remembers how lame his proposal was yesterday, but at the same time romantic enough because of its uniqueness. Plus, Chinen was also expressive yesterday. No movie has shown a proposal in a car, he believed, plus the fortune cookie he asked to be customized. And now he feels Chinen’s love for him is filling up the sudden emptiness he felt. Waking up made him feel a bit weird, but he is just going to shrug it off because he really wants to fast forward the time and be there at the church right at the moment. He is now having various imaginations of how Chinen is going to walk up from the aisle to the altar. He is really sure that Chinen is going to shine the brightest today although everyday he effortlessly shines the brightest. He can imagine Chinen’s cute face covered in crimson red as he walks up to him and when he accepts his hand, he will surely feel his heart exploding in happiness and when they kiss, that will be the sign of their oneness and the beginning of their forever. By just imagining those things makes his heart to beat crazily in his chest. It is already enough for the butterflies in his stomach to be awoken. He’s like a teenage boy falling in love for the first time.   
After an hour of prepping up, Yamada pauses at the middle of his room, looks around, and takes a sigh of relief that that is finally the day he has been waiting for and he can’t feel anything but the mixture of excitement and nervousness. He looks at himself at the mirror for the last time and grins like a stupid again, partially praising himself for having such face. He has been actually doing that for quite a lot whenever he passed by the mirror. He really wants to call Chinen to divert from his excitement, but he is just always sent to voicemail. However, he finds it really cute because Chinen is acting as if he is a real bride being so busy. Well, he is his bride after all.  
When he arrives at the church, their parents are already waiting for his arrival, but he somehow feels a heavy atmosphere hanging around.

“I am sorry if I came late,” he says energetically with a grin and gives his mother and Chinen’s a kiss on their cheek.  
“It seems like we are the ones excited,” Chinen’s father jokes and the rest laughs.   
The priest that Yamada knows since before comes out to greet them. He taps Yamada on his shoulder, “Looking so good, Yamada-kun. I can see you really prepared for this.”  
“This only happens once, so I really have to give the best of it all. Besides, I will make Yuri fall in love with me for the second time.”  
The priest smiles, “I guess this wouldn’t be the second time Chinen-kun would be in love with you. Chinen-kun is falling in love with you every each day.”  
Yamada blushes at that although he knows that already. Chinen’s effect on him is really out of his expectation but he loves it like that. “Ditto.”  
“We will start in a few and I guess Chinen-kun will arrive soon. Good luck to you.”

And so Yamada waits at the altar and he can’t even remove the big smile on his face. As he waits for his lover’s arrival, he’s thinking of the tomorrow and the future. He is thinking of how he is going to spend all the tomorrows with Chinen as his other half. He wants the ceremony to end now without it even starting, but before that, he really wants to see Chinen first, he wants to see how beautiful his world will be. Or so he wonders if Chinen can even be more beautiful than he already is?  
The big smile on his face a while ago is now starting to falter, but he still tries to smile and waits for the love of his life. He inhales and feels his feet are already aching. The church that has been lit with the morning sunlight is now covered in dimness. The sun already bid its goodbye and the moon came out and no Chinen still arrives. But Yamada is still not yet losing his hope. Chinen will surely come and no matter what time it is, they will get married. Their love chooses no time. Hence, he is certain that his Yuri will come and they will exchange their vows and they will kiss no matter what time of the day.

“Ryo-chan,” his mother calls him as she, together with Chinen’s mother, approaches him at the altar, “Call this a day. You’ve been waiting for all day long. You must be tired.”  
“Mom, this is not a work to call it a day. As long as Yuri is not here, I will keep waiting. I am not even tad bit tired. I am okay,” he assures and he fixes his eyes back to the church’s entrance.  
She looks away, but holds his hand. “Then we’re here for you, okay?”  
“Ryokkun, the only thing I can tell you is that Yuri really loves you. He really does because I am his mother and I have witnessed the long years he loves you so much.”  
He nods with a smile, but his eyes are still on the church’s front door, somehow feeling relief from Chinen’s mom’s words.  
However, it’s already close to midnight and still no Chinen arrives. His and Chinen’s parents already went home and that made him and the priest left in the church.

“What happened must be what you’re thinking, Yamada-kun,” the priest breaks the silence.  
Yamada shakes his head, “I am thinking of what to do when Yuri arrives.”   
He smiles. Yamada sure has the optimism in him, but on top of it all, he admires the trust he puts on his lover. “Like how you are going to hold him in your arms and how you are going to express how much in love and happy you are?”  
He looks at the priest and smiles, his sleepiness and tiredness already visible in his eyes, but he is still pulling off a positive face. “And how I am going to love him even more and how beautiful he will be when he walks in the aisle. And also thinking of our future.”   
“Yamada-kun, just always remember that things always happen for a reason and that reason is,” he points on top but doesn’t stop talking, ”this is what God wants for you. He will put you into something that will do you good so whatever happens, be thankful for it happens.” He stands and starts walking away, “Stay until whenever you want, Yamada-kun.”  
When Yamada is finally left alone, he stands again and waits at the altar, trying to staple back the smile on his face that has completely fell on the ground. He is certain, from the priest’s words, that this wedding is what God plans for him and that Chinen is going to come.   
If someone passes by the church and sees him, he is just like a holy figurine, immobile, lifeless, and very fragile that with a simple bump he will be already broken into pieces and cannot even find the pieces back anymore. Because when he breaks, he breaks too much he is just merely debris…scattered fragments, and hopeless to be recreated. And yet he still tries his best to stand on his guard and believes that Chinen will still come. Because for him, Chinen coming to their planned wedding is still far more realistic than thinking that he will no longer come. In the long years of their relationship, Chinen never turns his back from him and never betrays him. He always acts on his words. So if Chinen agreed to their marriage, then he will surely come no matter what. Because the moment he said yes and wore his ring, that was the promise that when the morning comes as Yamada waits at the altar, he will come running to him and then they will become one and they will see their forever.  
And so he waits and waits and waits until he is covered with his imagination of his life with Chinen, obviously being taken away from the reality. For a moment in the utopia he is creating inside his head, he feels lifeless and numb yet he feels the greatest happiness.  
When he feels something warm rolls down on his face, he is immediately snapped back into his trance like how immediate a time machine can bring you back at times. And the agony is dropped on him like a bombshell. And before he even knows it, a stream is already flowing down on his face, and the guard he has been keeping already crumbled and finds himself on the ground, his heart so broken. And with just a blink of an eye away from his utopia, he feels so lost in his now shattered world.

“Why?” he mumbles in the silence. He feels like his entire being is being sucked up by the silence and dimness, and he can’t breathe. He wants to hear Chinen’s soft giggles, his angelic voice that can bring him to different dimensions of the world, and his laughter that makes all things better than ever. He wants to see him. His arms are aching to hold his small figure that is perfectly made to fit in his arms. His heart is demanding for his love. He needs him, so he will not be sucked in by the pain crushing his heart and his being. But where is he now? His mind is just full of the visions of him and those are clearly not enough to satisfy his longing for him, not enough to fill in his emptiness, not enough to mend his brokenness. His Yuri…where is he really now?

The morning breaks in and Yamada flinches due to the rays hitting his entire being. He cuddles his comforter and reaches for the person next to him, but he is awoken by the absence of Chinen. He sits up and smiles when he sees a note above his drawer.  
‘So excited to see you waiting up for me at the altar. I love you. PS: I sneaked in to your room last night when you were asleep just for this note. I love you again today, tomorrow, and forever. —Yuri.’  
The smile on his face stretches to a grin as he remembers his proposal last night and how much they expressed their love for each other. He still can’t believe he proposed. He still can’t believe it was last night. And he can’t still believe that in a short while, he will be one with his Yuri and they will seek for their forever. It is still like a dream for him. Chinen was too expressive yesterday that he couldn’t help himself not to propose.   
He arrives at the church and sees his parents and Chinen’s already there. He greets all of them with full of energy and excitement.  
“It seems like we’re the ones excited,” Chinen’s father jokes as he hits him on his back.   
Everyone laughs.   
Because of the utter excitement he is feeling, the grin on his face seems like it is already sewn there as he stands by the altar and waits for Chinen to come.   
The grin that is sewn on his face is however starting to loosen like how a teddy bear is brought anywhere all the time and its stitches are already shredded as the eyes that were glistening with so much joy a while ago are now laced with sorrow and pain, as the tears are flowing down like a stream. And before he even knows it, another day is breaking in and no Chinen has appeared yet.  
Things happen for a reason and that reason, the priest told him, is this is what God wants for him. And that whatever happens, he should be thankful for it.   
He woke up feeling that he was in a dream and now, he prays that he is still dreaming that when he wakes up, this is not what is meant to happen for him and that Chinen not appearing is a dream as well. Never once it enters his mind that Chinen is going to betray him. And that until now he believes Chinen will come.   
Yamada woke up today just to be broken by the end of the day. The excitement that is flowing in his veins is being drained as soon as he realizes that another day is breaking in having only a vision of Chinen running on the aisle toward him with a wide grin plastered on his face. And yet…only a vision. A vision that only plays in his head. A vision not enough in satisfying his needy demanding self.


	3. Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He forgets his yesterdays, but his heart can never forget how his yesterdays make him feel. And his everyday is still spent making sure that he loves Chinen more than yesterday.

He opens his eyes and realizes it’s still dark outside. He reaches for his phone, smiles upon seeing his wallpaper, and then checks the time after. 3:04 am.  
It’s still too early to get up and be ready for his upcoming wedding, but he doesn’t even feel sleepy anymore. He actually feels recharged already, but so dehydrated. And so he gets up and before he proceeds to his door, he sees a note above his table. He grins.  
‘So excited to see you waiting up for me at the altar. I love you. PS: I sneaked in to your room last night when you were asleep just for this note. I love you again today, tomorrow, and forever. —Yuri.’  
Forgetting his dehydration, he walks toward his closet and grabs a flannel to top his v-neck shirt. He reaches for his car keys from the cardboard jar that Chinen improvised from the toilet paper roll, and he even had paper cut-outs of cat’s ears pasted on top of the paper roll’s mouth. Chinen is being artsy most of the times and he likes it, and he is very cute whenever he is putting so much effort on things he is not good at.  
Even though he was the one who forced Chinen to stay in a hotel until the wedding, he is now the one dying to drive over where Chinen is staying and cuddle with him all throughout the night. Because his arms without Chinen makes him entirely empty—physically and emotionally. He is not so used to Chinen’s absence. Their entire relationship is majorly spent together.

It’s quite a long drive from his house to Chinen’s hotel place, but still he manages to arrive in one piece despite his heavy eyes on the way. His arms are really aching for Chinen. He wants to cradle him so tightly as if he doesn’t want to ever let him go. His heart feels so tight without Chinen.   
“Already checked in or a visitor?”   
He didn’t let the receptionist finish. “Checked in. I just went out for a drive. I am with Chinen Yuri in room 3350.” And that is obviously a lie. It’s already midnight and no visitors are allowed after 10pm—the hotel’s rule—and it has extra charge every hour a guest exceeded. He is surprised boutique hotels are stricter than the suite ones. Now, he is trying to remember if he said something inappropriate for the receptionist not to believe him when he dropped Chinen off at the hotel. It seems so vague. All he can remember is when he was driving him there. His memories of the proposal and all the sweet things that happened are still so overwhelming he can’t remember the smaller things anymore.  
The receptionist smiles before she looks down on her computer to check for the logs, “Wait a moment, sir. I think there is confusion here. Let me check on the logs first.”  
Yamada nods although he finds what she said really weird. Confusion? How come there can be confusion when he really can still remember he was driving Chinen to that hotel. “I am not sure if you still remember me, but I believe I was just here few hours ago. I am not a guest.” He then reaches for his phone to show a photo to the receptionist for identification. “This one is my boyfriend.”  
She takes a deep breath as she gives off a worried or perhaps terrified expression on her face, her eyes pinned on a certain place from his phone’s screen. “Sir…” She looks up at him and he still has the smile on his face. “No one is residing at the room you said. No one. Not even Chinen Yuri, sir. I am afraid to tell you you’re in a different hotel.”  
He shakes his head, certain that he is at the right hotel. “The room is under my name Yamada Ryosuke. Can you check it again?”  
And she does what she is told but she just looks at him troublingly. “There is your name here, sir.” She then moves her monitor toward Yamada for him to see and then she points on the log where his name is. “But the reservation you made was already four months ago. And there is a notification here that you weren’t able to have the reservation. No one came and so the reservation—“  
Yamada holds up his index finger to stop her from talking, his face is all-overly laced with confusion. He is so puzzled at the moment. “Wait a minute, miss.” He takes a deep breath with his eyes closed, exhales and opens his eyes. “I am afraid to tell you that I don’t know anything from what you are talking about.”  
“But I am the one here who is more afraid that there is something you didn’t know from four months ago.”  
Yamada narrows his eyes as he feels his heart is starting to bang on his chest like a pendulum.  
“Do you know what date was yesterday and what the date is today?”  
“Why are you asking me those things? Of course, I know.” He takes away his eyes from her and looks down to check on his phone again, his heart banging on his chest a little harder. “Yesterday is the 23rd of June which was a Wednesday and the day I proposed to my boyfriend Yuri, and today is 4 am, 24th of June, a Thursday and a little later, I will go to the church to meet him and we will get married.”  
She bites her lips and looks behind her. She moves aside and points at the calendar, Yamada following her finger. “Today is the 12th of October, a Monday. And yesterday was the 11th, a Sunday. Your phone’s calendar is set to four months ago. Why would you do that?”  
“Why…”  
He grips on the edge of the marble front desk as he feels his head aching suddenly, his world spinning so fast he can’t even see anything anymore. He closes his eyes thinking it will lessen the pain and will stop his dizziness, but he doesn’t understand why at the moment there are tears falling from his eyes, why at the moment he feels as if a big part of him is being taken away, why at the moment he feels the emptiness as if everything is being flushed away from him? He is taking a hard time to ingest what the receptionist told her. His hands are shaking so bad as his eyes are locked on his phone’s screen. He doesn’t know if he will believe what she said. He is too afraid to know the lies that have been concealing the truths. But he is too afraid to believe that there are lies and that there are truths he has yet known.   
He shuts his eyes as tighter as possible and a very bright light and a loud honking of the horn embrace his memory. He is trying to understand what’s happening and why there are scenarios inside his head, but he can’t think of any conclusion.   
“What’s this?”

For him, every tomorrow is the day after he proposed. Every tomorrow, he knows that he needs to be ready first thing in the morning, and then goes to church and waits for his Yuri to come by the altar. Every each day he is doing that without him even knowing that the new day he thinks that is just the day after he proposed is already months away from that day where he and Chinen finally decided to become one, not even knowing that every each day is just a repetition of his yesterday. He doesn’t have any idea of what is happening. He doesn’t have any idea that he has been waiting for Chinen every day for so many months and yet not even a shadow of Chinen has appeared. He doesn’t know that he has been waiting a long time for someone he thinks is still going to come. He doesn’t know that every time the day ends, he is crying to sleep and just to be awake as if yesterday never happened, as if yesterday was still the day of his not-so-romantic proposal. He doesn’t even know how shattered he is because as the morning breaks in, he doesn’t even remember what he felt the day before. And more so, he doesn’t even know what happened at the end of the day of his proposal. All he knows is that the next morning is waking up from the night where the magic happened and waking up to finally meet Chinen by the altar and then see their forever.  
That is all he knows…  
He doesn’t actually remember what is there from his yesterday—not the day he proposed because that has been months and months ago, but the yesterdays he always ended up so shattered he couldn’t even pick his pieces back and the yesterdays he cried rivers because for the first time in his life, Chinen betrayed him.   
But perhaps that is the best thing—he doesn’t remember the real yesterdays and he doesn’t remember how many times he has been broken, how many times he has been proven that there is no more forever that he will look forward to, and how many times he has been slapped right on his face that Chinen will never meet him at the altar and that they can never be as one. He doesn’t need to deal with the torturous pain of his yesterdays and he just has to start the day afresh—everyday.

He didn’t know what he did for the next hours as he just found himself back to his house. For him, all the things still seem so surreal. He is still somewhat denial about what has been happening to him for the past hours.   
When he gets inside, he sees his parents preparing—his father wearing his suit and his mother wearing her heels. He closes the door a bit hard for his parents to know he is around and awake, and then he leans on the door watching them.   
“Ryo…” his mother mumbles.  
He tries to smile.  
Then a long pregnant silence.  
“What exactly happened four months ago?” he asks, his voice broken, and the tears he didn’t know were there cascade down on his face.   
“Ryosuke,” his dad calls him and gestures him to come over and sit on the couch. He and his wife also settle on the couch across where he gestured his son to sit at.  
Yamada obeys and heavily sits on the couch across his parents. He is unconsciously fiddling on his own fingers as his eyes are pinned on his tapping foot, somehow preoccupied and away from the reality.  
“Ryo-chan!” his mother calls him and that is just when he realizes his spacing out for quite a long time.   
He looks at his parents before his eyes fall on a white folder on top of the table that wasn’t there a while ago. His trembling lips pull apart, not a single sound comes out, and still he is unconscious that the tapping sound from his foot is getting louder and louder.   
“Ryosuke, stop tapping your foot,” his father notices.  
He stops and stares in the space for a while. “Yuri…”  
His father slides the white folder in front of him. “Open it. That will answer all your questions.”  
He looks up at his father’s eyes, and inside his chest is a pendulum that has gone crazy and his mind is a tabula rasa that perhaps will be written by what’s in the folder. Scary, but he needs to face what there is. Holding his stare on his father and not knowing the tears are in his eyes once again, he opens the folder.   
He takes a deep sigh with his mouth tight-lipped, and looks down. Revealed in his eyes are cut-out portions from different broadsheets. The bold texts and the contents and images suddenly turn blurred as another stream flows down on his face and a loud sob easily escapes from his trembling mouth, his mind being filled in with information he never thought existed. “A…” He looks at his father and then to his mother. “An accident?”  
His mother wraps her arms around his father’s securing ones, and then nods. “It was four months ago when it happened. No one still knows what exactly happened before the night of the accident, but the investigators found that you and Yuri-kun were wearing a ring that looked like an engagement ring. So they came up to a conclusion that you proposed to him before the accident. And that was proven even more when they saw the proposal letter, asking if Yuri-kun could marry you.”   
Yamada is surprised, but his mother doesn’t stop talking, “As the investigation was going on, there was a man who stood witness of what happened. He said it was the driver of your car’s fault. And we all knew you were the one driving, but Ryo-chan.” She sighs and presses her lips, “We never think it was your fault, okay? That is why it was called an accident.”   
Yamada doesn’t react nor does he even feel relieved. He knew it was his fault although he didn’t know what exactly happened.   
His father sniffs, “Your stoplight already turned red and yet you didn’t stop the car. So a wheeler truck crashed in yours.” He pauses to take a breath in, “Ryosuke… I don’t know how much you can handle at the moment especially now that all the truths are being laid before you. We never thought it would come to this so fast. And we know this is really hard for you. We weren’t actually still prepared on how to tell you the truth in the future and there you are already asking what happened four months ago. We didn’t know how you found out, but I think this is the right time to tell you once again of what happened four months ago…”  
“Ryo-chan… every day since the accident happened, we are embraced by the fear that one day you will know the truth and you will just lose yourself. We planned to tell you the truth once you wake up, but you were unconscious for a week. And when you finally woke up, we had really decided that after you get better, we would tell you the truth. But you woke up without the memory of the accident. You were looking for Yuri-kun the moment you regained your consciousness.   
“You questioned why there was bandage around your head and why you were in the hospital and why Yuri-kun wasn’t around. We told you about the accident and you were so devastated that it hurt all of us seeing you in that state. You became hysterical and came running outside the hospital. You demanded to see Yuri-kun alive and didn’t believe anything we said.  
“When you woke up, you asked for Yuri-kun again. You asked why there was a bandage around your head and why were you in a hospital. We called the doctor and there we found out you are suffering from a type of amnesia wherein you forgot everything that happened during the accident—retrograde amnesia is how they call it.  
“Ryo-chan…” her tears fall as she watches her son breaking little by little on his place. He is immobile, but it’s obvious how much he is shaking and how much he is crying and how much he is really breaking.  
She stands and sits next to Yamada and holds his trembling clasped hands. “Every morning you will wake up with the memory of your proposal and the plans you had back then. Every morning you will have this big smile on your face thinking that in few moments, you will be married with Yuri-kun. And every day you will end up so broken because you found out that Yuri-kun didn’t come. And you will wake up again the next morning without the memory of all your yesterdays, as if every morning is your wedding day without your knowledge that you’ve been doing the same thing over and over again for four months...that it has been that long since Yuri-kun—“ she stops as she can’t find the words to tell him. She knows he is not stupid not to understand the atmosphere and the situation.  
“And Yuri…” He buries his face on his mother’s chest as she cradles him securely in her arms. ”That—that letter always on top of my drawer… it said from Yuri…”  
“We made that up…” His father clears his throat. “We are all doing the same thing over and over again, Ryosuke. All of us have been with you since then. We thought that doing things over and over again would somehow help you recover memories from what happened in the past. The doctors never said your amnesia is a hopeless case. There is still a high prognosis as a matter of fact. I thought we would be relieved knowing that. But you have no idea how hard it is for us to keep on hurting you over and over again even if you don’t know a thing about it, how hard it is to do nothing but just watch you get shattered everyday. We honestly don’t know if we’re taking advantage of your amnesia, but Ryosuke—believe me—we’re doing this all because we love you.”  
“Da—dad… enough…” his voice falters as he tries to stand on his own despite his legs feeling like a Jell-O. His dad was right. This is too much for him to handle, however he believes that no truth doesn’t hurt. The truth will always hurt him, but he knows that the truth will also be the reason why he will be able to stand up again from where he has fallen and move forward.  
He might forget about all the pain when he sleeps. He will wake up with the same belief he has months ago. He will wake up without his knowledge how he was so broken the day before. And with that, he is somehow thankful of his case. At least the pain is not going to linger. At least he can sleep on the pain and he will wake up as if he is still the happiest man alive. His brokenness is an instant repair in his case; however unconsciously, he is already broken beyond repair. 

Yamada exactly knows where he wants to go, but he can’t even control where his feet want to bring him. He let them move on their own as he embraces himself with the memories he luckily hasn’t forgotten. Forgetting the accident is far better than forgetting all his memories. He can still hold onto those good memories they shared that even if he sleeps, he will wake up and he can still remember all of them. Rather than waking up and not remembering any single thing in his life like a blank slate.   
He stops on his pace when he notices a very familiar silhouette that is made to fit perfectly in his arms under the shade not too far from where he is.   
“Yuri,” he whispers on his ears when he finally cradles him in his loving arms, his voice laced in a faltering agony as the happiness starts to surface. They both gently lay under the shade, Yamada on top, and then he nuzzles him lovingly on his face. When he looks down on his eyes, he locks his gaze on him with his eyes saying nothing but pure affection. “I’ll wake up and will not remember everything that has happened today. I’ll wake up thinking it’s our wedding day. It’s very saddening, but you know what—on top of it all, I am still very blessed and very thankful that my memories of loving you is not washed away.  
“Everyday, I promise to love you more the next day. And even in this case, I swear to God that I won’t let a day pass without loving you more and more and more.  
“I am sorry...really sorry,” he pauses when he realizes the tears gushing down to his face, “Sorry that you died on me. I am sorry it was because of me. I am sorry for not seeing our forever. Just—God...I am really sorry...”  
Chinen is just staring at him. He’s not saying a thing, but Yamada can understand what his eyes are telling him. He can tell what the smile on his lips means. And being as irresistible as he is, Yamada slowly closes their gap.   
With his trembling lips wetted by his painful tears, he feels the cold surface on his lips. And when he opens his eyes, before him is Chinen’s name engraved on the tomb.   
“I love you, Yuri. I love you... I will still promise to love you more and more each day.”

 

Yamada opens his eyes and realizes it’s already morning. He excitedly sits up and sees a suit hanged next to his closet—his wedding suit. Grin spreads across his face as he remembers his proposal yesterday. “Damn, I just realized how cheesy I was yesterday.” And a crimson shade spreads on his both fluffy cheeks, feeling so embarrassed. And the shade on his cheeks turns darker as he also remembers how vocal and expressive Chinen was. It was really rare since Chinen always prefers action than words.   
He gets up from his bed and he is about to start prepping up when he sees a white folder on top of his drawer.   
He opens it without any hesitation albeit his pounding heart inside his chest and the wind suddenly slips within his windowpane. Papers fly and he realizes they are cut-out articles from the local broadsheet. But before he even look at the papers, his eyes are averted to the calendar behind his door that caught his attention. In big bold letters on top of the calendar is the month which is November, and under the month, in bigger font size, is the date which is 7, and then at the very bottom is the year which is 2012.  
He tilts his head in confusion and his face frowning, but he can’t understand the tugging inside his chest. It’s painful but bearable, but painful enough for the tears in his eyes to well up in a reason he doesn’t even understand yet. He knows yesterday was when he proposed and it was the 23rd of June year 2010.   
Two...two years have already passed?  
But where is his Yuri? Why is he not next to him in his bed and not cradled in his arms? Did they make love last night? Or does he have errands he needs to do today? If it had been that long, why could he only remember the yesterday from two years ago wherein he proposed? Why couldn’t he remember what happened during their wedding? Why couldn’t he remember the previous years they spent as married couple?  
Where is his memory during their marriage and the following years?  
Why is his memory stuck in his proposal?  
What happened?  
So many questions are bombarding his head, but he can’t remember a thing. There are no memories of the wedding and their blissful life as married couple.  
His eyes then fall to the ground and he sees those cut-out articles.  
Proposal. Car Accident. Man dead.  
Those are just the few words from different articles that his eyes managed to see. He wants to read and see more, but the tears in his eyes are overflowing already and just like the clouds that can’t handle its weight any longer finally let go in a heavy downpour. Every tear is like a dagger being twisted in his broken heart. And it’s now unbearable he finally collapses on the floor.   
However, there is one thing he can’t understand about his feelings.   
He should be so shattered...and so destroyed. But why is it that the pain is there, but it is not painful enough? He should feel more of it. He wanted to feel more of it. The truth he found out today should break him so much until he is just a mere dust. He wanted to feel his lost—to feel the utter emptiness as if everything inside him, as if everything of him, was taken away as well together with Chinen.   
But why?  
Why is the pain there, but his feelings are as if he has already overcome them and the lost? As if he has accepted the fact? As if he already let him go?   
Why?  
Yamada can’t find the answers to all his questions, but unconsciously he knows why.  
It has been two years since his every morning that is supposed to be covered in bliss like how he got used to it is changed into something so painful and tragic. For two years, he is waking up with the memory of his proposal, but that memory will be crushed the moment he sees what’s inside the white folder and also when he sees the calendar on his door. Instead of waking up seeing the sweet note of Chinen on top of his drawer, it is already changed by the white folder that consists of all the truths that his memory couldn’t remember.   
That is why as time passes by, Yamada is gradually overcoming it. The longer time passes, the more he is able to stand again and move forward albeit done unconsciously.   
Because that’s just it.   
He forgets his yesterdays, but his heart can never forget how his yesterdays make him feel.   
And his everyday is still spent making sure that he loves Chinen more than yesterday.

‘Cause if one day, you’ll wake up and find that you’re missing me...  
(...I promise, I’ll always be here waiting)  
...the man who can’t be moved


End file.
